November is National Adoption Month. In honor of this awareness month, D.E.I.B. Facilitator, Instructional Designer, and Saterman Connect colleague, Monica Hickson, wanted to interview Managing Partners/Co-Founders of Saterman Connect – Joshua and Michael Saterman who adopted a beautiful child in 2022. In this interview, they share their personal journey in the adoption process. Deciding to adopt can be a grueling process and their story parallels those of others who have adopted.
“The most challenging part of the process is the degree of rejection, and uncertainty that comes with adoption.”
It’s worth noting that Josh and Michael are speaking about this process for the first time publicly.This is for many reasons including fear of the process failing them, protecting their daughter, Mya, from the chaotic and harsh world of today, feeling thoughtful about her privacy and right to her own story, and more. However, in this moment of fear and hate, the perfect combat is love. From the moment this story became their reality, Josh and Michael love Mya so fiercely that no fear, one person or group’s hate can stop them from sharing this unconditional, ever-present, and unstoppable love for their child and parenthood.
The adoption journey can be long, hard, and in all ways exhausting. It took the proud parents almost six years until they finally received a match and their birth mother selected Josh and Michael to be Mya’s adoptive parents. This birth mother was a perfect fit. It was destiny for these families to forge a bond that few other bonds can rival. This match was meant to be.
While each story and timeline are dynamically different there are a few commonalities that adoptive parents share. Situations, availability, cost and whether you want an open or closed adoption are just some of the factors that impact the adoption process. More so in today’s environment, an open adoption is the preference.
Why do people decide to adopt? On their first date, Josh asked if Michael wanted to have children one day, and replied, “No one has ever asked me that…I believe I would make a great dad one day.” “The reason we went towards adoption is because there were a lot of children out there who needed loving homes and we felt we could provide one,” Michael continues, “We wanted to love a child and provide a loving home for our family to grow.” Even though they had considered other options, like surrogacy, they continued down the path of adoption. “Surrogacy just didn’t align with where our hearts were,” Michael explained.
In the wake of the Dobbs decision, we truly understand the difference between the rhetoric of someone saying pro-life, pro-birth, and pro-choice. We are proudly “pro-choice, pro women’s right to choose, pro supporting a woman who wants to go the adoption route, and pro ensuring that children have a loving home with loving adults, community, and safety. Every child deserves more than to just be born. Every child deserves unconditional love.”
“Every child deserves more than to just be born. Every child deserves unconditional love.”
Just like most experiences, people have an idea of what the adoption process would be like, but just like other experiences, nothing is perfectly planned. “We had heard stories that didn’t become our story, we had set this idealized version of what our journey would look like. We thought it’ll take a little time and within a year we’ll be matched with our future child but that was not the case,” said Josh.
When asked about a challenging part in the adoption process Michael explains about the degree of rejection. “There’s some degree of rejection along the way, intentional or otherwise,” Michael continues, “Sometimes when people are not responding, you still feel rejected, even if they’re not consciously thinking ‘you’re not the right one for us.’ There’s no guarantee until you get the paperwork from the court and bring the child home. At that point, you can feel safe.”
Most people want to learn about her birth. In order to protect her and their story, they shared a few details at a high level. Mya was born in early 2022. They both flew to the birth mother’s location to ensure they could be part of the birthing process. This was important to both the birth mother, and Josh and Michael. During the hospital stay, this new family got to spend even more time together and learn more about each other’s families. This was a gift for Josh and Michael who finally were able to breathe and soak up the moment.
Upon taking Mya back to the hotel, they finally had a chance to start the bonding process. She was and is the cutest baby, according to Josh, but he also admits he is biased towards her. There are rules to interstate travel with adoption which is why they had to stay at a hotel for a bit of time. So, Michael and Josh waited for the state of birth to approve them traveling back to New York where they live. At long last, and after several long week, they finally boarded the plane to return to New York and begin this next chapter in their lives.
Michael acknowledged the privilege of being able to adopt a child. Adoption is expensive. Many sources including the Child Welfare Information Gateway, share that working with a private agency to adopt a child or to adopt from another country can cost between $5,000 to $90,000. These costs include legal and agency fees, medical costs and travel and are never consistent. The costs vary between babies, and experiences. The system and abilities to adopt are wildly inequitable at times and also at times wildly uncertain. Each state makes their own rules, and each adoption agency or private adoption lawyers take their own pathway to supporting adoptive parents.
When asked if the parents faced discrimination during the process Michael said they didn’t knowingly face any discrimination regarding gender, religion, sexual orientation, nor age. “I think, as gay, Jewish men we were actually viewed positively by birth mothers because from what we’ve been told, many birth mothers envision those two gay men aren’t competition for motherhood. We are two dads,” Michael acknowledges. Josh adds, “I think because two gay men can’t biologically have a child, it also resonated with potential birth mothers that there’s a fair amount of intentionality and understanding that goes into gay men adopting. This is very big choice people, regardless of being straight or gay, that hopeful parents make who aren’t able to biologically create a child.” The being Jewish was a separate concern. In today’s anti-Semitic world, we weren’t sure how this would limit or support us starting our family.
There has been more adoptions for same-sex couples in recent years and this article History of Same-Sex Adoption in the U.S. can provide additional information.
So, has there been a change in the attitude towards adoption? Michael seems to feel that the world has changed as it sees the adoption process more positively. Time will tell, and overall, they shared that their experience was fairly positive. Of course, they also shared that nothing mattered that happened prior to having Mya in their lives. According to adoption sites, there has been more adoption, less stigma, and a more streamlined process, opening up the doors for more people to adopt.
Still, without Obergefell, most States would have same-sex marriage bans. As Justice Kennedy cited as one of the major reasons “for protecting the right to marry is that it safeguards children and families.“ For Josh and Michael, this decision and subsequent hope that Obergefell is codified as law is paramount.
During National Adoption Month and in everyday lives, the adoption journey is dynamic and ever evolving. This process is about one key thing — LOVE. Michael and Josh love Mya unconditionally, which is unmistakable in every action they take, the time and energy they put into this process, and their commitment to her an amazing life filled with wellbeing, love, and hope. Not every person wants to be a parent, and for those that do, adoption is a true gift. Adoption is truly a celebration of life, and how family can be defined by more ways than blood.
Reach out to Saterman Connect at SatermanConnect.com to learn more.
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